"I'll stick with the brew."
"Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone."
"You're offering me a job?"
"The waitresses hate me!"
"You wait till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred."
"Coughlin's law: never show surprise, never lose your cool. "
"I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not."
"Should we let it breathe?"
"It hasn't breathed for fifty years, it's dead. Let's just drink it."
"My dearest Brian, A guy like me looks in the mirror, he either grins, or he starts to fade away. And I haven't seen anything to grin about in a long time. This may not be the most graceful exit, but I know when the bottle's empty. The only thing I'm really going to miss is the conversations we had. At least I get the last word, even if I had to mail it in. Coughlin's Law: Bury the dead. They stink up the joint. As for the rest of Coughlin's Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit. ...But I guess you knew that already."
"If Jordan gives birth to a fine Irish son / There will be Cocktails and Dreams for him one day to run / A business that will yield the financial windfall / To be franchised in every suburban shopping mall. / If a daughter arrives to bless our clan / I guess the shit will finally hit the fan / But this I shall promise thee / I'll never let her marry a guy like me. / Still if our child is the naughtiest of girls or the wildest of young men / I swear I'll be the best dad I can / And never ever get spooked again."
"Bet I can still spook you."
"Twins? Twins? ...Twins! Drinks are on the house!"
"The bar is open!"